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Dialogue: Doctor/Patient

Dialogue: Doctor/Patient

Confidential conversations.
Contest ended 7 years ago 4/29/2008 12:00:00 AM EDT

Contest Info

  • Cost: 5 credits
  • Jackpot: 30 credits

Contest Options

First Place
# 1
By Brendan (Score: 7.181)

"Give it to me straight, Doc. Don't sugarcoat things. Just give me the facts. What's wrong with me, and how long do you reckon I have to live?"

"Well, Mr. Henderson, we looked at your blood work, and it appears that —"

"See that? See what you're doing there? It won't fly with me. I'm old, but I ain't dumb. Don't beat around the bush, Doc, just lay it on me."

"Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mr. Henderson, you're —"

"Whoops! You failed the test again. Diagnosis and prognosis, Doc. That's all I need to hear. The next thing I wanna hear outta your mouth is that I got cancer or the flu or the measles, or whatever it is I got."

"Mr. Henderson, please sit."

"Boy, you must have earwax buildup or something. It's the only way to explain the fact that you can't seem to hear a word I'm saying. All right, Doc. I'm sitting. I just planted my backside on the chair. Now then — tell me."

"Well, Mr. Henderson, we looked at your blood work, and we noticed that your reticuloendothelial system appears to behaving in a somewhat peculiar —"

"Heavens to Betsy, Doc. You still ain't hearing me. Where'd you get your medical degree? I always thought you had to have some fancy college diploma to become a doctor, but shoot, I didn't even finish high school and I've got more smarts than you. At least I can speak and understand the language of this nation. Look, I'm asking you plain and simple to tell me the name of whatever disease I got. Don't tell me about my blood work, or my x-rays, or my CT scan. Just open up your mouth and tell me what I got."

"You see, Mr. Henderson, your secondary lymphoid organs, that is to say, lymph nodes, spleen, and so on, aren't responding to exogenous and endogenous antigens in quite the way we'd like them to be, which could be a result of —"

"Doc, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Because I'm a generous man, I'm gonna give you one more chance to tell me what's wrong with me, in plain English. If you can do that, then I won't have to get up out of this chair. But if you say one more danged thing about secondary organs and Auntie Jens without giving me the name of a disease, I reckon I'm gonna have to punch you right in the nose. I may be a senior citizen, but back in the day I could deliver a mean right hook."

"Mr. Henderson, clearly you're upset. Is there a family member who can drive you home?"

"Drive me home? You haven't even told me what's wrong with me yet!"

"As I've been trying to explain, your body's immunoglobulin response isn't quite —"

"For the love of God, man, are you paid by the syllable? Do you bill my insurance company an extra dollar for every unpronounceable word you use? Do I look like the sort of feller who wants to hear about amino goblins?"

"An immunoglobulin, Mr. Henderson, is an antibody generated by your body's lymphocytes in response to an —"

"I don't give a damn what an amino goblin does! I couldn't care less! There's nothing on the entire godforsaken planet that I care less about than a stupid amino goblin! This is your last chance, Doc. I'm done playing games. Tell me what's wrong with me."

"You see, Mr. Henderson, your body has these cells called lymphocytes that —"

"Shut up. Tell me what's wrong with me."

"They're actually part of a larger group of cells called leukocytes. Their role is to help your immune system to —"

"Shut up. Tell me what's wrong with me."

"Now, when the lymphocytes, the B-cells and the T-cells, encounter some sort of pathogen, they're supposed to —"

"Hello! Earth to Dr. Phillips. This here's mission control. We're having a heck of a time with our transmissions, and we were thinking that if we punched you right in the nose, it just might clear up some of this static."

"Mr. Henderson, your reticuloendothelial system appears to be behaving in a —"


"You hit me! My nose is bleeding! I'm going to have a black eye!"

"Holy cow! Did you hear yourself just now? That was perfect, Doc! You described the cause and nature of your medical problem as well as the likely outcome, and you did it in only three short sentences! Now, do you reckon you could do that one more time, or do I need to sock you again?"

Word count: 760
Second Place
# 2
By deactivator (Score: 6.828)

“Somebody said there was a sick guy in here?”

“Morning, doctor.”

“Morning? God, is it still morning? I am so drunk right now I can’t even tell.”


“Nah, I’m just messing with you. So, what’s wrong?”

“There’s this…”

“By the way, you should feel free to call me Doc. It puts me at my ease.“

“Um, okay.”

“Don’t feel like you have to, I’m just saying it would make me feel more comfortable, being here in a strange office, with a strange person, who at any moment might ask me to take my clothes off, if you called me Doc. It’s your choice.”

“Sure… Doc.”

“Hey, thanks! That really does make me feel better. But don’t think I’m one of those stuck-up doctors. I’m really not. I don’t have much pride in my work at all. That’s probably why I drink. But then I didn’t really want to be a doctor anyway. Wanted to be a stage magician. What did you say your name was?”

“Well, I didn’t, but it’s Bill.”

“Nice to meet you, Bill. You’re easy to talk to. My name’s Filgud.”

“You’re kidding. Dr. Feelgood?”

“It’s Swedish. Anyway, what line of work are you in, Mitch?”

“Bill. Advertising.”

“I see, I see. That could explain a lot. That’s kind of a high-stress life, isn’t it? Lot of suicide?”


“It’s okay if you feel like jumping sometimes. God knows I do.”

“Look, I don’t feel like jumping!”

“Fear of failure is nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is crawling into the bottle. Look, just because all you do with your life is write a few crummy ads, it doesn’t mean your life is worthless. The point is, I love you, man, even if no one else does.”

“My life is fine, I didn’t come here for counseling! You’re not even a psychologist, you’re a medical doctor!”

“That’s what it says on the wall.”


“Oh, sorry, I don’t put my diploma on the wall. I told you, I’m not one of those stuck-up doctors, you know, the kind that are all ‘here’s my unexpired license, look at me,’ and ‘woo, I’ve got a diploma from an accredited school.’ Bunch of show-offs. Not that I’m embarrassed about my degree. A two-year college is still college.”

“You can’t get a medical degree from a two-year college!”

“Hey, who’s the doctor here, Ted? Anyway, let’s get back to you. What were your symptoms, again?”

“Finally. There’s this…”

“No, wait, let me guess. I’m really good at this. It’s your ear, isn’t it? You’ve got a persistent earache.”

“No, it’s not my ear…hey, what are you doing?”

“Hmm, yes, I see, clearly a blockage of the inner ear. Let me just, ah, yep, here it comes, yep, exactly as I thought…the American flag! Wait, wait, there’s another…why, it’s the Union Jack! Just how many nations’ flags do you have in there, sir?”

“Would you cut that out?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just, magic is still kind of a hobby of mine. I don’t mean to make light of your medical condition, particularly one as serious as yours.”

“You don’t even know what I’ve got yet!”

“Right. Right! Sorry again. Look, let’s just get an X-ray, shall we? Would you step over here into this box?”

“You think I need an X-ray? Wait a minute, this isn’t an X-ray machine, is it?”

“Sir, who is the medical professional in this room?”

“You know, I’m not sure.”

“All right, who’s closest to being a medical professional? Get in the box.”


“All right, let’s see, X-ray, X-ray…well, sir, I’m not sure we need to bother with an X-ray, when this sword passes right through your body!”

“Could you please stop doing magic tricks?!”

“Okay, okay, get out of the box. You know, you’re going to have to start taking this a little more seriously if you want to get better, Sven.”

“Forget it. I’m leaving.”

“Wait, wait, don’t go! I have to see a certain number of patients, or it doesn’t count for my community service. Come on, sit down.”

“Fine. Well, it all began…”

“Hang on, let me get a pencil. I should take notes.”


“Here we go.”

“It all began…”

“Wait. Let me sharpen it.”

“Oh, come on!”

“Hey, is your problem high blood pressure? Calm down. Won’t take long. See? Nice and sharp. Ouch. Oh, boy.”

“What? What is it now?”

“I think I’m bleeding.”

“Put a bandage on it.”

“Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Kind of have a problem with blood. I get a little dizzy.”

“Get off me!”

“And it makes me nauseous.”

“No, you don’t!”

“And sometimes I, yep…pass out.”

“Hey. You okay? Doc? Doctor Feelgood?”


“This is ridiculous. I’m leaving.”


“And I’m taking your wallet.”


Word count: 789
Please do not critique my entry.
Third Place
# 3
By diogenese19348 (Score: 6.549)

Doctor: So what brings you here today?
Patient: I have this problem doc.
Doctor: Ja, most of my patients do come in with them. What is your problem?
Patient: I have a story to write for Worth.
Doctor: And you need ideas?
Patient: I need to have my head examined.
Doctor: What makes you say that? You seem normal enough.
Patient: No Doc, you don't understand. The contest is about a dialog between a doctor and his patient.
Doctor: And the doctor is a Psychiatrist?
Patient: The rules didn't actually say, but they hinted strongly at that.
Doctor: Well that explains the head-examining part. So what is the problem?
Patient: The conversation is supposed to sound like Eliza without using Eliza.
Doctor: I have heard of that program. Early days of programming, later used in Sound Blaster sound cards in the 8 bit era. It is supposedly there to help you decide things.
Patient: Yeah, except you go round-and-round and never come to a conclusion.
Doctor: A bit like psychiatry, which was the point. You cure yourself, the doctor just helps.
Patient: Exactly Doc, so what would you do?
Doctor: Why do you ask that?
Patient: Well, I came here for help.
Doctor: Yes, and I just told you that you must help yourself, I can only guide you.
Patient: OK, I understand that. But I am still not sure how to go about it.
Doctor: So tell me about Worth.
Patient: Worth is a contest site. While known for photoshop, it also has a text section.
Doctor: And the contests?
Patient: The contests have various subjects, quite a few suggested by members.
Doctor: And the current contest?
Patient: I already told you. It is to write a story based on a Doctor/Patient dialog where the patient gets nowhere.
Doctor: In what way does the patient get nowhere?
Patient: Essentially he ends up going in pointless circles, with the timing done to make it not completely obvious.
Doctor: Tell me more.
Patient: The program itself works by using certain neutral phrases, picked at random, with some words the user himself entered thrown in.
Doctor: So what is your problem?
Patient: I have to write a story based on a conversation like that which does not use the program.
Doctor: You were mentioning something about Eliza.
Patient: Yes, that is the name of the program.
Doctor: You seem sure of that.
Patient: Of course I am sure of it. You said yourself you heard of it!
Doctor: You sound like you are getting angry about something.
Patient: I am getting angry because we seem to be going round in circles.
Doctor: You mentioned going around in circles before. Do you often get this feeling?
Patient: Not before I came into your office, no.
Doctor: We do not seem to be getting anywhere today.
Patient: No, we aren't.
Doctor: Why do you feel we are not getting anywhere?
Patient: Wait a minute, you are testing me aren't you?
Doctor: Why do you feel I am testing you?
Patient: Because I mentioned the contest was about a program that sounded like it would help you resolve issues, but wouldn't.
Doctor: Do you think that is your problem?
Patient: Yes, and you have been providing an example of that for me.
Doctor: What makes you say that?
Patient: Because you have acted like the program would act, and I know what to write now.
Doctor: How do you know what to write?
Patient: Because you just showed me what such a conversation would look like.
Doctor: But if we solved the problem, wouldn't you be back to not knowing what to write? You are supposed to never solve it.
Patient: (silence, thinking)
Doctor: So let's go back to the beginning. What is your problem.
Patient:, I am very confused.
Doctor: What makes you say you are confused.
Patient: I thought I resolved my problem, but if I resolved my problem, then I wouldn't have resolved my problem.
Doctor: So are you resolving your problem?
Patient: No. I am not certain it is resolvable.
Doctor: You sound uncertain.
Patient: No, no, it is a classic algorithm problem. You have to be able to prove they end. Some you cannot prove one way or another whether they will complete, so you cannot say for sure if it as an algorithm or not. It this case, it can't possibly end without failure, there is no successful end test since the conversation would have to be infinitely long.
Doctor: I do have one other question then.
Patient: Which is?
Doctor: Have you ever heard of the Turing Test?

Word count: 773
By Fanatic (Score: 6.333)

"Mrs. Black? This is Doctor Jackson, returning your call."

"Oh, good afternoon, Doctor Jackson. Ah didn't expect you to return my call personally!"

"Quite all right; we're a little short-staffed at the front desk right, now, and I had a cancellation, so I thought I'd try to help out. What can I do for you?"

"Ah wanted to know if y'all'd have time to check out my son's mole."

"His moll, eh? Well, you should know that it's a little outside of my primary specialty, of course--that sort of thing is actually just a hobby of mine. It's really more in my brother's line of work, but since Chase won't be back until next week, and my own practice is a little slow right now, I'd be happy to take your information. He lets me work with him on this sort of case from time to time; I'm sure he'd understand."

"Thank you, doctor. Ah realize you're a plastic surgeon, but Ah know you know Bob's--"

"Well, you're right about that! Nose bobs are specialty of mine."

"Ah mean no, Bob's my son."

"You want me to nose-bob your son? And check out his moll?"

"No, Bob's my son, and yes, please check out his funny-looking mole."

"OK, I can probably fit in the nose bob next month. As for the moll, they're all funny-looking, aren't they, when it's your own son involved? Can you give me a better description?"

"Dark and curvy, with a pair of skinny legs on the bottom and a coupl'a tiny bumps up top. And hard. Ah've never seen a mole this hard."


"Ugly curly black hair, yes."

"Wow, that's a pretty nasty description."

"Oh, Ah was so worried y'all'd say that."

"Don't worry. I know mothers take these things very personally. But by the time we're done, I can assure you, your problems will be over."

"Oh, thank you!

"How long has he been bothered by the moll?"

"I'm not sure he's bothered at all, to tell you the truth, Dr. Jackson."

"I understand, Mrs. Black. Molls can have that affect on men. Listen, I know this is difficult for you. You're doing great. Now, where is this moll?"

"Ah'm embarrassed to say it, Doctor Jackson, but, Ah'm afraid that mole is between my son's legs."

"At home?"

"At home; at his job; pert' near everywhere!"

"No wonder you're upset."

"Thank you so much for your understanding, Doctor. Do you think y'all can help?"

"Yes, I think we can help. I think I recognize the moll's description. What's her name?"

"My son is a he."

"I know that, I meant the moll's name."

"Ah don't think he's mentioned a name. Why, is that important?"

"Well, it gives me a place to start. It's much easier for me to check out a moll if I know her name."

"His name."

"Oh, it's that kind of moll. You should have mentioned that sooner."

"Mentioned what?"

"Never mind, Mrs. Black. It's not important. To each his own, I always say. I'll take care of the problem, and I won't discuss this with anyone."

"Well, Ah should hope not. He'd be very embarrassed if word got out. Ah just want the problem taken care of!"

"That's precisely what I have in mind, Mrs. Black. I will make sure that moll never bothers your son again."

"Will y'all do it surgically?"

"Yes. I guarantee you, we'll make it go away, and no one will suspect a thing."

"Will there be a scar?"

"There usually is, yes. I have to warn you; it might well be a traumatic experience for him, but the effects will fade with time."

"And, after y'all are done--will he need any long term medication?"

"I don't think so, Mrs. Black. A short course of penicillin is almost always sufficient. We'll screen for all of the usual things, just to be safe."

"Will it be expensive?"

"My brother's business manager will be in touch. He'll have lots of options; I'm sure they can work out something what's fair. Besides, there is really no alternative, is there?"

"Ah suppose not."

"OK, I'll have my office call next week with an update. Is there anything else?"

"Well, Doctor Jackson, now that you mention it, there may be one other thing you can do for me."


"It's my husband's, well, Rod--"

"He's having problems?"



"Oh, yes!"

"Have him clean it thoroughly with gun cleaner--I prefer Hoppe's Number Nine--cut with a little kerosene before he uses it again. If that doesn't work, tell him to bring it by my office tomorrow."

"Oh, thank you, Doctor Jackson!"

"No problem, Mrs. Black. Have a nice night!"

"Oh, Ah dearly hope so, Doctor Jackson!"

Word count: 785
Please do not critique my entry.
By celticfrog (Score: 5.94)

“Hey Doctor, I have this stabbing pain...”

“Take the spoon out.”


“Take the spoon out of the cup.”


“For the stabbing pain in your eye when you drink your tea.”

“I don't drink tea, and the pain isn't in my eye. It is right here. OW!”

“Your finger is broken.”

“No it isn't.”

“When you poked yourself, you said 'Ow'. Your finger is broken.”

“No, see I can poke you without saying 'Ow'.”

“Ow. What did you do that for? Oh, never mind. Do you think I look more like a Doctor with or without this shiny thing on my head?”

“Who cares? What about me?”

“What about you?”

“I have this stabbing pain...

“I told you, take the spoon out.”

“I don't drink tea.”

“Maybe it is the coffee.”

“Listen Doc, it hurts whenever I do this...”


“Don't what?

“Don't do that. Then it won't hurt.”

“I have to do it. It hurts when I breathe.”

“Then you are going to die.”


“Well, if you stop breathing, you will die.”

“I am not going to stop breathing.”

“You will when you die.”

“I going to DIE?”

“Sure, every body does.”

“But I'm not going to die today?”

“How would I know. I'm a Doctor not a clairvoyant.”

“I came to see you because I have this stabbing pain, and don't tell me to take the spoon out of the cup.”

“You have to take the spoon out of the cup, or you will stab your eye.”

“It isn't my eye that hurts. It hurts here. OW!”

“Are you sure your finger isn't broken? Hey, don't poke me again.”

“Are sure you are a Doctor?”

“Don't I look like a Doctor? I have a stethoscope, and a shiny thing on my head, and a white coat.”

“OK, OK, so what about my pain.”

“Take your clothes off.”

“Excuse me?”

“Take your clothes off. I need to examine you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I'm the Doctor.”

“Oh, alright. Just turn your back.”

“Hey, Nurse could you bring me a cup of tea? And be sure you take the spoon out.”

“What are you doing?”

“Asking for tea, do you want some.”

“But I'm naked!”

“That won't stop you from drinking tea.”

“I don't drink tea.”

“That's right. Nurse, bring him water instead.”

“She was smirking.”

“No, she looks at me like that all the time.”

“I can understand that.”

“Pardon me?”

“Never mind, what about my examination?”

“You're writing an exam? Shouldn't you be studying?”

“No, your exam.”

“I already passed the test. I don't need to write any more exams.”

“Your examination of me. Because of the stabbing pain which is not caused by a teaspoon or a broken finger.”

“Right, so where is the knife?”

“What knife?”

“The knife that stabbed you.”

“There is no knife. I would have noticed a knife.”

“You would think so, but I had to check. Oh, thank you Nurse.”


“What is your problem? She's a medical professional. I am sure she's seen one before.”

“May I get dressed now? I'm getting cold.”

“I can see that.”



“What about my pain?”

“Oh that, take two aspirin and call me in the morning.”

“Why should I call you in the morning?”

“To tell me if the pain is gone.”


“Did the Doctor help you?”

“Are you sure he is a Doctor?”

“Well, his checks don't bounce.”

“He didn't help me at all. I still have this stabbing pain.”

“Is that a new shirt?”

“Yes it is.”

“You might want to take out that last pin then.”

Word count: 597
By KingIraff (Score: 5.346)

"Marilyn, would you mind sending in my next patient?"

"Doctor Franklin?"

"Ah! There you are. Please, please, have a seat."

"Well, Doctor, I've-"

"There's no easy way to say this. I'm afraid that we have misplaced the majority of your pancreas."

"What? I-"

"I know the surgery was only a few days ago, and we're very sorry. We can't seem to account for the loss. I'm not saying anything for certain, but the faculty fridge and the organ fridge are of the same make and model, so..."

"Docor, as far as I know, I have never had any sort of pancreatic surgery."

"Wait, are you Rodney Porter?"

"I'm Melanie Jones, actually."

'Oh! Of course!Well, to my knowledge, your pancreas is in fine working condition. Talk to Marilyn out front concerning payment.'

"I-No! I didn't come here about my pancreas, okay? I've recently suffered a severe head injury. My last doctor put me on a medication, and I think it's making me hallucinate."

"Well, I advise you stop taking it, gorgeous."

"I'm not taking it currently, obviously, but-wait, what did you just call me?"

"No, just kidding. Actually I find you repulsive."

"Excuse me? You are being preposterously-"

"What's the name of the medicine you were prescribed?"

"...It was Methalzine Pothlate."

"You should stop sighing so deeply. It's bad for your complexion. I can see you've been doing it for many years, but if you stop, I can guarantee it won't get much wose."

"You are a terrible human being..."

"You're doing it again! Tell you what. I'm going to go ahead and prescribe you a little wonderdrug called Methalzine Pothlate. Hey, where are you going? Good bye, I suppose. We'll call you if anything comes up concerning your pancreas! Gads, the nerve of some people. Marilyn, would you mind sending in my next patient?"

Word count: 304
By fetchcomms (Score: 4.831)

>Hello. What seems to be wrong?
Oh, I just have an ear infection.
>What makes you say that?
Well, I called you yesterday, and you said that the symptoms were of an ear infection.
You said you would prescribe me something.
>That is quite lovely indeed.
What will you give me?
>What would you like?
Medicine or something.
So, what is it?
>What is what?
What you’re going to give me!
>I thought this was your problem.
And you have to help me!
>What do you wish of me?
To give me something!
>I’m sorry, but I don’t have “something.”
What do you have, then?!
>Would you care for an aspirin?
That won’t help me.
>What did you need, again?
Something to treat my ear infection!
>I thought you were talking about me.
You were talking about me!
>Does it intrigue you to talk about me?
Are you licensed?!
>Wouldn’t that be pleasant to know.
Can you answer a question without questioning an answer?!?!?
>So, are you fine now?
No, I am NOT!!!
>How can I be of assistance?
Give me something to treat my ear infection!
>Is that really what you want?
Yes! It’s the reason I’ve been yelling at you for the past few minutes!
>Does that seem so important to you now?
>Can you clarify that, please?
Only if you give me something to treat my ear infection!!!
>What would you like?
I don’t KNOW!!!!
>Is it pleasurable to be unknowing?
>Why not?
Because I have an ear infection!
>Is that the real reason?
I have no idea!
>Why have you no idea?
I am going to sue you!!!
>Do you enjoy suing others?
>What makes you say that?
I haven’t a clue!
>I don’t understand.
I hate you!
>Is that the point here?
What is your problem?
>Does it help if you ask silly questions?
>Please elaborate.
On what?!
>You were talking, were you not?
>It seems that you are better.
No, I’m NOT!!!
>Why are you so negative?
>I cannot comprehend what you mean.
You annoy me to no end!
>Are you sure?
>Why are you uncertain?
I was being sarcastic!
>Does being sarcastic entertain you?
It did.
>Well, good day then.
But you still haven’t given me anything!!!
>Would you care for an aspirin?
Good BYE!
>Thank you for calling on me!
You’re not welcome!
>What makes you say that?
Oh just shut up already!
>Thank you.

Word count: 417
By bobber1 (Score: 3.808)

“ Ah hello Mr Dobson, and how can I help you today?” Says the doc with that oh so sincere smile.

“Well, I have an itch, er, ya know, down there!!!” Mr Dobson points sheepishly to his hind area.

“I seeeee, well take a seat and drop your trousers and please lie back on the couch” Mr Dobson does as he says and lies hesitantly back.

“ok, lets have a look” the Doc says, smile faltering slightly.

“ok, yes…mmm huuuuu” the Doc takes a breath, Mr Dobson takes a bigger one.

“right, well Mr Dobson you seem to a little bruised”

“oh, ok” Mr Dobson does his trousers up, a little less the man he thought he was five minuets before.

“so Doc, how did that happen and what should I do?”

“ well I suggest a little haemorrhoid cream and, how shall I say this, a little less vigorous cleaning after you evacuate you bowels”

“ I thought it was piles doc?” “no, you should be ok Mr Dobson, take this prescription and apply as directed, I had the man from the pharmaceutical company in today and he directed me to their new haemorriod cream, so we shall give it a whirl, ok?”

“But I get a bit of blood sometimes…….” “that’s ok Mr Dobson, give the cream a month and if you have any further problems, come back and see me”

“er….. ok doc…. Thanks”

“Thanks Mr Dobson”

Mr Dobson leaves the room and the Doc settles back to his notes, writing with his nice new pharmaceutical branded pen.

Word count: 259

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